Hot And Under A Collar

Hey loony lefties, what's the ideal temperature? I mean we keep hearing about global warming and how awful it will be, so I wanna know, what thermometer reading is ideal?

Do I sound foolish? Well, that's how you sound to me.

Actually, I'm being charitable. you sound moronic to me, and if I sound the same to you, it's because I'm trying to relate to you on your level.

So how thick should a glacier be?

OK, OK, I know there are no answers to those two questions. I mean if there were, you'd have already embraced my ideas for global air conditioning, a pollution pipeline to space, and dry ice for Greenland.

But now perhaps you can at least answer a general question:

Is the planet already too hot?

Is it right for me to assume that while you don't know what the exact temperature should be, it should be colder than it is now?

The reason I'm asking is that I hate the status quo unless the current quo is perfect. So is the present climate just about right? Or do you want more skiing of the snow variety and less of the water variety?

Because, myself, I'd kinda like to see what a warmer planet brings. That's right, I wanna to stamp out frostbite in my lifetime! I wanna make polar bear grooming a growing entrepreneurial opportunity. I wanna see a Club Med in Anchorage - assuming there still is an Anchorage. Otherwise, I'd like to see a Club Med in Nome.

I want citrus in Calgary and palms in Point Barrow! Can't you just imagine Club Med with a midnight sun? Would that foster or hinder romance, I wanna find out!?!

Where's your spirit of adventure? Don't you wanna go where no man has ever gone before - right here on Earth? Or are you worried about water engulfing the planet?

Because that seems like the crux of the matter, doesn't it? "I can take the heat, but it's the humidity - as in rising water levels?" So then what if we could have a warmer planet without rising sea levels, wouldn't that be loverly?

I really think warmer is better, and I bet you'd agree if I could get you alone. It's like, I moved from Cleveland to Phoenix for God's sake, actually for my own sake, but that's like one extreme to another, and look how well I'm handling it?!?

So instead of mandating carbon reductions, why don't we just legislate sea levels? Do you think that would be harder than an order of barbecued chicken, hold the carbon?

Well, consider that they say the deserts are growing, and that right here in your own West, there's a water shortage. What about massive irrigation and desalination projects? What, the Romans could do it but we can't?

"Won't work," you say, "Because all water would eventually find it's way back to the oceans." Well then, if we have hundreds of millions of gallons of oil in a strategic reserve, how about a strategic water reserve? And maybe we send loads into space with each shuttle launch? How about we build another pipeline into space alongside my pollution one and pump excess water right outa here? I mean, we could locate one at each pole, but wouldn't it be great if they were the new Freedom Towers in Manhattan?

Otherwise, everyone of you believers in the religion of global warming had ought to be taking a cue from Crow & Co. right now. Er... maybe that's not the best example... how about following Al Gore's lead then? OK, again, maybe not. But it's not good enough on this issue to say that you'll start doing your part when everyone else does theirs.

This just in...

New earth-like planet found! Liberals are delighted. "Imagine" will be its constitution. And remember my question sometime back about what happens when Jesus returns and nobody's home? Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't believe that there's anything in the Bible that requires us to leave a forwarding address?

Global Warming is like Old Man River... despite climate models not working, it just keeps rolling. Despite Gore's discredited propaganda film, it just keeps rolling. Despite people like Cheryl Crow's naive and inane babbling, it just keeps rolling.  It just keeps rolling along.

Meanwhile, what a coincidence - Spinal Tap, a fake band that many believe is a real band is reuniting to help save the planet from a fake problem that many believe is a real problem - global warming. So I'm starting a new pool: how long will it be before the group reunites for an Stop Godzilla Before He Multiplies concert?

On a serious note, Glenn Beck takes on the Gorebalarmists tomorrow, Wednesday, May 2.