Of Democrats, For Democrats, By Democrats, To Republicans With Love

If there's one question I get asked way more than any other, it's this: "Ted, we absolutely love your relentless conservative bashing, but we'd occasionally like an article that showcases liberal stupidity in all it's glory, so when will you stop lambasting the good guys long enough to post something about Democrats that I, a conservative in my own mind, can enjoy?"

Well, I'm happy to report that your wait is nearly over... 3... 2... 1...

By Frank Cerabino

Palm Beach Post Staff Writer

Sunday, February 10, 2008

Being a Democrat in Florida is like being the coyote in a Road Runner cartoon.

Things start out so promising, but in the end you just screw up everything in a comical way.

Beep, beep.

I've already got that Wile E. Coyote feeling, and it's only February, nine months before Election Day.

If we weren't so hell-bent on self-destruction, Florida Democrats would be looking forward to being a key primary state in the Hillary Clinton-Barack Obama battle for the nomination.

The Florida primary, originally scheduled for early March, would be a real prize on the political calendar. But instead, state Democrats were led off the cliff by state Republicans, who came up with the idea for a unilateral assault on the primary calendar.

It was one of those arrogant, "we can make our own rules" moves, and just like the Iraq invasion, Democrats were swept along so as not to appear soft on state pride.

All Republican, all the time

The national Republicans were smart enough to allow their candidates to campaign in Florida and to have the rogue primary count.

The national Democrats were not. Democratic candidates were forbidden from campaigning in Florida, and state party leaders were warned that if they insisted on holding an unsanctioned early primary, the votes would be meaningless, and none of Florida's 210 delegates would be seated at the national convention this summer.

Naturally, Florida Democrats chose the path of self-destruction.

So the result was that Florida appeared to have only a single political party last month.

The national media descended on Florida, and the campaign signs were all Republican ones, the TV commercials were for Republicans and the only debate was for Republican candidates - this in a state where registered Democrats outnumber Republicans.

Beep, beep.

How could we make this even more pathetic? Don't worry, we had that covered, too.

Florida Democrats, even though they were told that their votes wouldn't count, turned out in droves, about 1.7 million people, to cast ballots in the allegedly meaningless primary.

Hillary Clinton showed up in Florida on the night of the meaningless primary to claim meaningless victory, and the rest of the country looked ahead to actual primaries that would actually count.

Like the coyote, we haven't given up, though we're still smoldering from the blast of our latest miscalculation.

ACME White House giveaway

Our latest scheme is to consider a revote, with party caucuses throughout the state serving as a retake on the January primary.

But this probably isn't going to happen, because America has already grown weary of Floridians looking for do-overs and because the national party isn't willing to foot the entire bill for this.

So what's going to happen? Here's my sour prediction:

If we keep our coyote karma going, the Clinton-Obama primary battle will remain close enough so that the missing Florida delegates will be meaningful.

At the last minute, the Democratic Party will seat Florida's delegates at the convention, which will give Clinton the votes she needs to beat Obama, who will object, to no avail, that he would have done better in Florida had he been allowed to campaign here.

Hillary Clinton will have Florida to thank as the state that gave her the nomination.

And this would be fitting, because the national polls say that Obama is the more likely to beat the Republican's presumptive candidate, John McCain, in November.

And so, when America wakes up on Nov. 5 with another Republican president on his way to the White House, Florida Democrats will get the blame again.

Beep, beep.