The Amazing Race

The Amazing Race

I can't imagine you'll see another one like it even if America manages to survive an Obama Presidency, because this election cycle has it all - all the intrigue, rumors, stupidity, bigotry (and on top of it all, the worst proposals ever conceived of by living candidates) that could possibly be packed into one campaign, and we haven't even really begun yet.

So here's why Bush Is a bastard, McCain's a moron, and Obama's an abomination, although I won't be spending much time on the latter, since I've already said a lot about him previously, and I'd prefer to wait until I've come up with a sufficient number of new analogies before getting my second wind. Which reminds me, why is it that Obama never seems to run out of wind? Oh, and did I mention that he's the rottenest man who ever ran?

Now Bush has embarked on a "final attempt" to get bin Laden. Good luck, Jorge, I hope you succeed, and if you do, I'll dislike you even more, and that's despite the absolute fact that no matter what you see and hear elsewhere, I offer my personal guarantee that no one dislikes you more than I do already. And if someone can demonstrate they do, I'll add capacity.

But let's say Bush nabs Binnie. Good. Great! Why didn't you do it last week or last year then? Is it because you've literally been doing nothing for five years while people you've sent to war have died and you ceased playing golf in tribute? Don't get me wrong, abandoning the links was the right thing to do. After all, it's why I hate your father You apparently, as was I, were shocked to see dad in the cart while the first Gulf War raged? yet pops had a 90% approval rating when it ended, so golfing while Baghdad burned probably wouldn't have hurt your own approval rating any, ha-ha.

No, Jorge, you're in a class by yourself, that of being a tone-deaf, uncommunicative do-nothing who, despite all that has managed to keep us safe and make the world a little safer as he apparently regards the capture of bin laden as more important than stopping Iran's nuclear ambition while allowing his black version of Madeleine Albright to "scold" Israel for "jeopardizing" the 'peace process" by building more settlements on "Palestinian land."

Sorry, but there's just no way to describe our relationship with Israel without a a boatload of apostrophes. That's why I haven't said much about Israel lately, I had to wait for a new shipment before I could do it here.

And McCain? let me just say upfront, this ain't the McCain I knew...

Here's a guy who's running against an otherwise fatally flawed candidate, and he's looking more like Bob Dole with each passing day. Never were the issues so clear for Republicans, and yet so utterly overlooked, and that's even taking the last twelve years of Republican disintegration into account.

McCain - "Drill & Kill" should be his campaign slogan, but instead, he really does look like a doddering old fool as he talks about keeping places - those which people will never see and which have no value other than the oil beneath them - pristine. Even George Bush understood the need for drilling in Alaska as he added the idea to his do-nothing portfolio. And if that weren't bad enough, McCain takes to chastising oil companies just as if he were a Democrat. He's not, right?

Then there's the matter of his two best pals, Lieberman and Graham. man, there's a law firm for ya. When you consider Lieberman's recent " warming" bill, it makes me proud that I was denigrating him when conservatives thought he'd make a wonderful Democrat candidate for President.

But it's what I've been seeing from McCain himself that makes me think maybe there's a lot of truth to the stereotype that old people are too set in their ways to change, much less realize that change is necessary, and I say that as one who's far too close to doddering than I want to be. Someone (and I'm sorry that I can't remember who) said that McCain is still and constantly playing to his maverick role, and I think that's it - it's all he knows. The trouble is, it shows that if we elect him to the presidency, we should expect his term to make a great "Worst of John McCain" video when it's over since everything he's been and done up to now is mere prelude.

And yet, McCain will still be, and I can say this with absolute certainty, an enormously better President than Obama, and the reason I can say that is, we'll never get to make the actual comparison.

But you can trust me. Why? Because you can't point to a single other person who's criticizing both sides in the harshest terms I can think of and when I can't, I make them up... I'm the Lone Assailant!