As part of my ongoing effort to manufacture problems that may never actually exist, in order to deal with them calmly and rationally before they become issues, I must say that this whole Imus imbroglio has me acutely aware of a future festering sore (if I have anything to say about it).
I'm talking about the very real possibility of having our whole word designation system thrown into chaos.
I mean, we had the A-word, the B-word, the C-word... the N-word. Now, like pork (not the F-word meaning, the white meat meaning), we've got the other N-word, "n____-headed."
Oh and by the way, is there now an "H" word? Will there be Sunshine "Hi-H-word Crackers"? And if so, what about "crackers"?
Hey, no sniggers, this is serious.
Anyway, you might say, "But Ted, 'nappy-headed' doesn't rise to the same level of intensity that the other N-word does, and besides, no one is afraid to use 'nappy-headed'- in columns, on radio, on TV, they're saying it everywhere."
Oh yeah, you just wait. Those who are using it know the score - that they better cram in all the "nappy-headed"s they can right now because as they say in sale ads, "Once they're gone, they're GONE!" When this thing is history, you try saying "nappy-headed" in a crowded hair salon and see how quickly you're "Afro Sheened."
Getting back to the point I'm trying to make, when they devised the system, didn't anyone realize that there might come a day when there would be more than one bad word per letter?
An asterisk won't work. I mean, N* might be OK in print, but you can't be on the air saying, "He used the "N asterisk" word. People will think you're an asterisk, if you know what I mean?
Besides, we might have to later use multiple asterisks, and that gets downright ridiculous: "He said the N-word with three asterisks, Larry"
Larry: "I'm on the verge of Alzheimer's, caller, and you want me to decipher which one that is?"
And N² is the same way - works in print, but if you say "the N squared word" on TV, it makes the second N-word seem way worse than the original one, and I don't think anyone wants to make "nappy-headed" the new N word and relegate the original (and still the best) N-word to second class status, do you?
Likewise, "Ni" and Na" would differentiate well enough, but that's still awkward, and I'm sure some people will feel that saying "the Ni-word" is a little too close to saying the actual word.
We could make up a whole bunch of euphemisms like we've done with the D-word - schmeckel, unit, member, putz, schlong (which I personally think is worse than the D-word, but what do I know)... oh wait, we've already done that, and all the substitutes for the Big N are unacceptable too - unless they're said by Ns themselves, that is.
So what's a politically correct non-racist who nevertheless has a need to refer to blacks derogatorily to do? And what would serve as an acceptable substitute for "nappy-headed" anyway, "corkscrew head?"
Hey, you might think all this is trivial or absurd, but it kept me awake last night. This is what happens when systems are devised by bureaucrats and not scientists. And like the Internet, steps need to be taken now to avoid future congestion.
We could assign this latest N-word to a seldom used letter like "Q" or "Z," and I suppose that would work well enough as an interim fix. Of course, some re-education would be necessary, but that's what bureaucrats do and do well.
So I say "Z-word," you think "N-word... no, not that one, the other one."
If it seems complicated, remember that your brain processes the information so fast that the delay is less than bouncing your voice off the satellite. If you don't believe me, try it yourself.
The long-term solution may lie in such things as the Greek alphabet, Arabic chicken-scratch, algebraic equations, or the metric system, but I'm betting on China. I don't know how it works, thank God, but I know their language has thousands of characters.
So emulating Chinese, from where I sit, is just the ticket. It should be able to accommodate bunches of N-words, F-words, etc. Then you can take to the airwaves with confidence and say, "shen shwa" or something like that and that's completely different than "shen shoo". But everyone will know the "shen" part means you're referring to "N" something, and the "shoo" part designates which one - unless you're just sneezing.
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No sooner has the tumult over Don "Curly" Imus started to die down, when a new one may be building over Larry "Larry" King's comment about Alzheimer's. We can only hope. UPI reports that a spokesman for Alzheimers patients, one Patrick "Shemp" Moffett, is looking for an apology from King for his reportedly having said that he, Larry, would retire "(if), God forbid, I had an onset of dementia or Alzheimer's. That would be it." Which raises the immediate question: Does Mr. Moffett have Alzheimer's patients' power of attorney? And assuming his papers are in order, there are then more questions like: Do Alzheimer's patients know they're offended? Does Mr. Moffett believe Mr. King should continue to work if he's got Alzheimer's? Because coincidentally, I heard Kurt Vonnegut on Imus some time back, and I can't say Vonnegut had Alzheimer's, he may have just been researching how free-associating affects an interview situation for his upcoming book: I Was On Imus And All I Got Was A Bad Memory. Is Mr. Moffett implying, as I suspect, that Alzheimer's could only improve Mr. King's program? Then Mr. King should apologize for -not- having Alzheimer's? Was it that Mr. Moffett is scarred for life upon learning that King doesn't have the disease because he'd long believed he did, "he" being Mr. Moffett, Mr. king, or both? So let's concede that Mr. King said what's being reported. Where exactly is the insult? Is it that Alzheimer's patients are people too? That they shouldn't be discriminated against for talk show jobs simply because they can't remember the questions? Does Mr. Moffett want new laws? Will the EEOC rule that you can't be denied employment simply because you don't know you're working? Now see, this should be a good lesson for hosts everywhere - phrase your insults properly. Neither Imus nor King would be having any difficulties today if Imus had said the Rutgers girls played like tattooed Alzheimer's patients and King had said he might retire if he were to become a nappy-headed ho. "Moe on line two, what's your question for my wife, Coretta Scott?"
Perhaps more outrageous than Al Sharpton using the Imus matter as a steppingstone to greater prominence is the fact that so many people with little or no familiarity with Imus, and who not only didn't hear his remarks but who never hear his remarks, are so eager to label what he said as racist based on nothing more than the out-of-context coverage they've seen and and the cacophony of condemnation they've heard from others.
In other words, much of the criticism is spontaneously generated and rooted in both ignorance and a desire to stifle that which they, themselves, have deemed unacceptable. "I don't want to hear it, and I don't want you to hear it." According to Joseph Farah, it's for your own good, and more importantly, for your children's good.
One of the greatest things about the TV show Friends was that it showed how people can be fine, upstanding and decent in public but those same people can be small, insecure, juvenile, petty and probably even "racist" in private, and they might even have sexual proclivities you wouldn't stand for.
And despite all of that, they were not bad people - they were average Americans, and probably a lot better than most.
That's what the Imus in the Morning Radio Program is, a multi-level cross-section of life, and at its best, it was amazingly good. At it's worst, it was a botched joke or an over-the-top mistake. And from my perspective, it was a liberal showcase and platform.
But the show was (and hopefully will remain) unique..Not only is Imus the best interviewer around when he wants to be, he's done more for just causes than anyone I know. And not only does he raise funds for charities, he devotes much of his own life to helping kids with cancer. And most recently, he raised enormous sums of money for the Fallen Heroes Fund which built a state of the art rehab center in Texas for Injured soldiers. I've often said that I couldn't believe all he does for people, and that's even more amazing when you consider his age and station.
And even on a personal level he's affected me because his staff is so amazingly talented comedically that my jaw often drops in awe - when it's not dropped in shock. Bernard McGuirk has the quickest mind I've ever seen in comedy, bar none. Rob Bartlett and Larry Kenney are not only quick with the ad-libs themselves, but they're also brilliant impersonators, and the characters they create are as good as any the old-time big name comedians have done.
Then there's Charles McCord, mild-mannered newscaster in his day job who transforms into super comedy writer in his off-camera hours. Mr McCord is simply THE best. Not only does he write the script Larry reads so brilliantly, but he probably supplies Mr. Imus with ideas and "spontaneity" as well. And even on-air, Charles is passive-aggressively hilarious, seeming to chime in with the perfect bitingly sarcastic one-liner at just the right moment. Then, the next moment he's tempering and providing the voice of reason for an. Imus runaway rant.
Charles McCord has had a huge effect on the way I see things and write about them. In fact, early on, I first marveled at his work, then tried to imitate him, and I remember that when I realized I could, however poorly. I was elated and grateful that MSNBC had provided this "service" for me.
Imus also has people on whom you'll never see anywhere else, and even if you did, you wouldn't watch because the format, the no-name host and the guest himself would be so dull and dry as to be more distracting than informing. But Imus made people come alive. And if they didn't, he'd "dress them up" so as to make the interview still fun and enlightening. And he did this so well and so often that I was willing to endure his endless parade of filthy liberal friends.
Not only that but Imus got me to read books (that's right, Imus sells more books than anyone but Orca the Killer Winfrey) I would not only never have opened, I would never have heard of without him. Several by Pete Hamil come to mind, and not only was I thankful for Imus having exposed me to them, but they greatly expanded my horizons and awareness.
And that leads me back to what most troubles me apart from the free expression part of all this - that lots of little, ignorant, talentless ill-informed and yes, stupid (and if you twist my arm, worthless) people are not only willing but anxious to condemn Imus and dismiss the incredible amount of good he's done.
Imus himself has learned who his friends are, and because I know who it was he thought were friends, it's interesting now to watch these people he had as regulars now not just distancing themselves, but piling on. Imus said this morning that he was particularly disappointed with Harold Ford for whom he received death threats for supporting in his Senate run in Tennessee. And I hear that the filthy communist, Anna Marie Cox is now bad-mouthing him. I personally witnessed the always insignificant Craig Crawford trying to be "objective" on one hour of Ms. NBC's evening cesspool.
I know that "nappy-headed hos" in reference to a young women's basketball team sounds horrible - if that's all you read or know.. But while it was definitely the wrong thing to say, to have that result in the loss of so much good, both in terms of philanthropy, entertainment and information, is a greater wrong, and that's even before you consider the greater empowerment it hands to Jesse Sharptons of this country.
In other words, you don't have to like what Imus said, but you ought to back unreservedly his right to say it because he does infinitely more good than bad, and probably far more good than you were aware.
And to put it in perspective, while I can't imagine why you would, if you've ever bought a rap "song," you've done more harm than Imus.Might I suggest buying Randy Newman's Short People instead?
]]>Last night, the always humorless Joseph Farah of WorldNetDaily weighed in on Don Imus, condemning him in the strongest of terms. I didn't mention it until now because I sent Farah an email, and I wanted to wait to see if he published it. He didn't.
I wasn't surprised. Years ago, Joe and I used to be best buds. Well, maybe not, but we did correspond a number of times, always at my initiation naturally, but the relationship soured either when he learned I was a non-believer or when I leveled some criticism at one of his positions (I can't remember what) for the umpteenth time.
I did get one letter to him published. It was after he had apologized for being anti-Vietnam in the 70s. I wrote that he shouldn't have done that (apologized) because it was a meaningless gesture, not unlike Jane Fonda's apology. I said that he was a different person then, and knowing him, he strongly believed in the rightness of his opposition. I added that furthermore, he was still right to have opposed it.
Anyway, I sent the following to Joey:early this morning after he'd begun his column with this:
"For once in my life, I agree with Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson."
There's Jane (The Ho) Hull on O'Reilly tonight saying that Imus has made "many racist, sexist, homophobic" comments.
No he hasn't. In fact, I doubt he's made any at all. "Nappy headed hos" certainly isn't one as evidenced by the fact that it's being repeated by everyone covering the story.
Imus has certainly made racial (as opposed to racist) comments, and he's mocked women to be sure (that's not sexist), but I feel I can say with absolute certainty that he's not afraid of the other hos - as in, "mosexuals."
But wait Ted, you say, Jane meant that Imus has said hateful things about gays.
No, he hasn't done that either, and now, two distinctions are in order.
1) Saying something hateful about gays is not homophobic, so you clowns should find another word
B) Mocking someone in fun, or even in not-so-fun is not hateful (Actual examples of hate provided on request)
Nor does such joking and sarcasm further the stereotypes. Groups to perfectly fine at perpetuating those on their own.
But I'll tell you what I see - people you didn't know were haters - are. I'd say that Jane Hull and Linda Stasi hate Imus far more than he hates anybody (These would be the same people who hate Ann Coulter, by the way - or even Laura Schlessinger).
Lastly, almost everyone is quick to say that Imus' remarks should be offensive to all Americans, even Imus himself. Again, no, they shouldn't. I mean, they should if Imus meant them to be nasty and hurtful, but in the way he said them, the comments are merely cringe-worthy, and not only not worthy of suspension, they're not even worthy of revisiting.
On the bright side, this is the first time in my memory that the media has created a crisis for the left.
No justice, no peace. Let's just hope Rutgers will be able to field a girls' team next season - and that those who require it, have their hair straightened so Imus isn't tempted, because as you know, he's not going to rehab.
]]>... a weasel, or an imbecile, or an opportunist, or a wimp, or an idiot, or a PC jerk, or a fool, or Linda Stasi, or Matthew25 (who's probably all of the above), or maybe just a jealous, straight-haired ho who doesn't play basketball.
Ah, The Liberal Family Circus! Be sure to catch it when it comes to your town or blog - and it will. I mentioned earlier that my wife was long ago put off by Don Imus. I was too, but I continue to watch because the show is funny, he's good at what he does, he actually will criticize liberals on occasion, and he was his own man. Emphasis on the "was." I'm shocked not by his remarks about the Rutgers basketball hos, but rather by how quickly and completely Imus has buckled. He used to talk tough - "I don't need Ms. NBC, there's only twelve people watching, anyway." OK, so when PUSH came to shove, Imus may have had an epiphany, but that's not good enough to the Rever-ends Jackson and Sharpton. And that's the whole point. These two scumbags and others like them are the arbiters, and the fact is that no one should have been offended for more than a nanosecond at what Imus said, but they should be offended every time a Jackson or Sharpton shows his face. Moreover, I'm hearing from every corner that what Imus said was racist and indefensible. It was neither. "Nappy-headed hos" may seem like it only applies to black women, but I know, having heard it firsthand, that Imus didn't mean it that way. In fact, it was what comics call a "throwaway."And as such, it bears no relation to remarks made in the past by the likes of Jesse Jackson, Mel Gibson, Michael Richards, and every rapper around. Let me give you a personal example that illustrates the difference between a throwaway and meaning what you say. If you don't know, my lovely Catholic neighbor, Mike, planted a tree near my driveway that has now grown big, messy, and (left untended) dangerous because of it's thorny, dangling branches. Asking Mike to keep it pruned proved fruitless, and offering to do it for him resulted in his treating me like an employee, and when I finally made it clear that I wanted the tree kept away from my property, it got ugly, culminating in: "Frankly, I have too many other things going on to worry that you're bothered by a 'plant." Well, I had another go-round with Mike a few weeks ago in which he told me I was welcome to trim his tree back to my property line (15 feet) at my expense, and when I told him that I'd be seeing him in court, here's what he said: Mike: "I heard you have health problems." Me: "Yes, I have had some problems." (nothing serious, so don't get your hopes up) Mike: "Well, I hope your blood pressure goes to three hundred." See the difference? You think Imus really meant these Rutgers girls were as he described them? Now, do you think Mike meant what he said? Where's Reverend Al when I need him? I mean, I'm still hurting, can't you tell? I only hope I get an understanding black judge.who'll understand this is no longer a small claims case and rules that Mike committed a hate crime. And now we have the Rutgers team acting as victims and that's the real outrage. Not only would they never have heard the remarks, but even if they had, they would never have been "hurt" had the black "leadership," the media, and assorted jackasses in all colors made victimhood possible. So there's the pathetic, groveling Imus begging for forgiveness instead of telling people what he usually does - "Just get over it!" As a result, he's made it far more difficult for everybody who champions free expression. We'll never hear "nappy-headed hos" again, and we're all worse off because of it. Because whatever Imus was/is, he's one of the few who would and could resist political correctness. Now the message has been sent - free expression is on the verge of having to move underground - or to outer space. And neither is safe long term, I think. Not only will Imus be far more hesitant to criticize and make fun of people, but those who have drawn blood this time will be forever poised to seize upon the next thing Imus (or Sesame Street) says or does that they can manufacture into a broad based outrage. "Get over it" should not just be a throwaway.
Imus Imitates Kramer With A Twist - Turns Apology Into Indictment Of The Right If you missed the Letterman leg of the Michael Richards Apology Tour, you could have caught the three-hour extended off-Broadway version pf the one-man show this morning with Don Imus doing a magnificent impersonation of the former Seinfeld former star. I watch Imus in the Morning every weekday without fail, though I record it so it doesn't take three hours of my time, nor do I usually watch in the morning. I watch because Imus is the best political interviewer around, bar none, and because the show is often hilarious - and sometimes shocking. Usually though, what's shocking is his comments about conservatives in general and the Bush Administration in particular - and those comments actually often venture into the realm of the outrageous (examples available on request). As a result, my wife won't even watch him anymore. Well, last week, Don Imus was doing his usual schtick, and he referred to the Rutgers women's basketball team as "nappy-headed hos." He did it because the women, who had just lost in the national finals, were apparently big and tattooed and (some) probably nappy-headed. In other words, he was mocking them because they presented a less than flattering appearance of black women, and because, as Imus pointed out today, he and the crew make fun of everybody. Anyway, I had it all recorded, but I erased it because I didn't think it significant, so that should tell you something - that I'm no Matt Drudge. Now I should say that I'm one who believes in anyone's right to look any way they please, but I also believe that if you look like a derelict or worse, you shouldn't be surprised if you're treated as such. I also believe that stereotypes exist for a reason. That's not to say that I feel the Rutgers women are trash, because I didn't even see them, but I wouldn't be surprised to learn that some of them looked like ex-convicts either, owing to the way so many athletes look nowadays. So Imus was wrong to disparage these people, but they should be ashamed if their appearance might in any way justify such comments. Nevertheless, when Imus & Co. said what they said, I cringed the same way I cringed when Ann Coulter dropped the gay slang in a botched joke about John Edwards. And that's all I did. Because both Imus and Coulter meant no real harm and they certainly didn't mean to imply that the people to whom they were referring were actually like the terms used to describe them. So Imus apologized profusely today - all morning - and I was a bit surprised because he's normally very combative. Yet his conduct today was beyond humble and bordered on groveling. And don't get me wrong, he would have been insane to try to defend his remarks, but I thought that he just might realize that as ultra-leftist as he is, even he is a target of the PC crowd who are now not just calling for an apology, but are demanding his ouster. But here's where ("I'm a good person") Imus went terribly wrong: he related parts of a conversation he'd had with a black minister (No, not Sharpton or Jackson, a real minister), in which the gentleman said that he understood Imus was a good person, but that if he could say the things he did, "what are THEY saying?" (not an exact quote) Now Imus could have left it there and it would have been perfectly clear - that bigots are far worse. But Imus chose to label those bigots as right wing, and anyone knows that leftist bigotry is at least as strong, even if it shows itself differently. And in fact, Imus' comments that triggered his near demise are a perfect example of the lighter side of leftist bigotry. So in retracting and apologizing for his remarks of last Wednesday, Mr. Imus has chosen to disparage not just one basketball team, but approximately a third of Americans. At least that should help appease those calling for his head. But I must say that while Imus has the funniest comedy team around, if the protected groups are no longer fair game for him, will conservatives be the brunt of a lot more "joking"? And I put that in parentheses because conservatives already are viciously targeted at those times when Imus is not in a joking mood. Epilogue: As if to confirm what I last said, in his eight o'clock hour, Imus had on one of his usual filthiest of liberal scum guests, Tom Oliphant, who took the following gratuitous shot and which Imus let pass without comment: "I'm thinking of an eight-year-old black kid being driven to school by his dad or mom who hears this and wonders what he just heard, and it's in that initial hurt that all these problems begin to show up... you should also know that our good friends, those journalistic giants at Fox News, are wondering how your regular posse possibly appear, and the answer is, it's simple, we know you." Yep, Tom, and WE know YOU. And you are the guy backing the guy who said what he said, and the guy who savaged Ann Coulter (probably because you don't know her, I'm sure), and we and Fox are the guys who didn't put the words in Imus' mouth. Have any conservatives even condemned Imus? If not, I'm sure it's because we're all gleeful bigots. Epilogue²: Imus has been suspended for two weeks from MS. NBC. Even if you don't watch, it's our loss, believe me, because Imus may be (or may have been) the lone remaining prominent defender of politically incorrect speech. To put this in perspective, I turned off a Lewis Black performance on Comedy Central yesterday because most of his punchlines were profanities. Imus' problems won't just affect him, they will affect People like Bernard McGuirk and Rob Bartlett who are hilariously shocking at times, but who never engage in wanton profanity tossing, and they aim their barbs at, as Imus said, everybody. That universe has now shrunk considerably, and it may have become, ironically enough, a black hole, and because of Imus' tail-tucking acquiescence, I now feel a little more hostile.
Sing along with me now...
There'll be bluebirds over
The white flags of Dover
Tomorrow, when the world is...
Shelling out big bucks to see - Tea Sucking Surrender Monkeys: The Movie!
That's right, folks, it's official. The ironically named "Ministry of Defense" has lifted the ban that has prevented other Brits who have been injured and killed in the Iraq war from profiting from their experiences and given permission to the recently former capitulators, henceforth to be known as SPF-15*, to sell their stories.
But there's a very good reason for their doing it according to the Sunday Times:
"MoD officials claimed that the move to lift the ban on military personnel selling their stories while in service was justified because of the “exceptional circumstances” of the case. The hostages are expected to earn as much as £250,000 between them."
Rumors are flying that Rosie O'Donnell is being considered for the role of Faye Turney, the only female hostage, but there's concern that Ms. O'Donnell may bring too much strength to the character.
And it's been confirmed that two of the Royal Marines will be portrayed by Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie.
* Surrendered Pour Francs
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"It was a fitting image of the 14 wimps and a sob sister arriving back in the United Kingdom yesterday: skulking away with pink goody bags in hand. The color was no accident - although yellow would've been more appropriate." - Col. Ralph Peters (ret. from a real military)
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I don't know where or how I gave the impression that this would be a safe place for liberals, but I hope to dispel that notion once and for all right now. I try to engage in humorous political commentary. As such, I'm likely to exaggerate, understate, free-associate, and the like in the hope that, first and foremost, someone somewhere might be slightly amused. Accuracy is important to me only in the general sense, and I will actually lie if I feel that's funnier than the truth. On those rare occasions when I'm speaking infallibly, I will say so upfront. And I don't mind if liberals exaggerate and distort (I know it comes naturally) as well - as long as there's a punchline. For the rest of you, I know everything you're gonna say, and it's already been said better by somebody else - and they were still plenty stupid. So if you're stupid and I can't make a joke out of it for whatever reason, you won't get anything even resembling a courteous reply. And if you're outrageously stupid, no ground rules apply, and your post my even be subject to evaporation. And let's get something else straight. I know you don't think you're stupid. I know you think you make perfect sense, and that you think you're scrupulously fair and so forth. That just shows how really, really stupid you are. But now if you still find you just can't restrain yourself from replying to something I've written, I will offer you this advice: pick one and only one point and be as logical as you know how to be. A lot of humility won't hurt either, as I have some slight compassion for those who recognize that what they are posting may be utterly idiotic for reasons beyond their ability to add or detract.. Keep your comment as short as possible, since believe me, in your case, longer is never better as evidenced by the opus from the imbecile which in turn prompted this entry. Then follow these simple steps:: 1) Take the time to organize your thoughts carefully 2) Do a rough draft 3) Check spelling and grammar 4) Do a re-write, distilling your comments and observations down to their essence 5) Then when you think you've got it just right and before hitting "Save," discard it and go someplace else. Because despite how I may come off, I don't want you to feel you have wasted your time when I find your post itself to be a waste, since for my part, if I may paraphrase the United Negro College Fund slogan: "A waste is a terrible thing to mind." All clear?