Remember the Monty Python sketch about the British government looking for the killer joke to thwart the Germans? Well, here's the next best thing. It won't kill anyone, but it is hilarious. And what makes it the funniest joke ever are the explanations that accompany it... Why if the headline itself doesn't set you to laughing, you're worse than Timothy...

Poland denies Barack Obama cannibal 'joke'

By Matthew Day in Warsaw
Last Updated: 2:30PM GMT 18 Nov 2008

Radek Sikorski, an Oxford-educated politician who has lived in the US, was reported to have made the jibe by an opposition politician, Ryszard Czarnecki.

Writing in his blog, Mr Czarnecki, an MEP, quoted the foreign minister as saying:

"Have you heard that Obama may have a Polish connection? His grandfather ate a Polish missionary."

I'll give you a moment to regain your composure...

Now, you know that something like that requires layer upon layer of explanation, and the ones that follow are a comic's dream because they enhance and extend the laughs...

1) A spokesman for the Polish foreign office conceded that Mr Sikorski had made the controversial comment, but denied that the foreign minister had intended to insult Mr Obama..

2) "Mr Sikorski did not tell a racist joke," said Piotr Paszkowski, the spokesman. "He was only giving an example of the unpalatable and racist 'jokes' that surround President Elect Obama."

3 It appears that Mr Sikorski's position is not under threat despite calls from opposition politicians for an investigation to determine if the foreign minister broke anti-racism laws.

And last but certainly not least...

4) The derogatory comment... may... have become common staple in Polish political circles. Wojciech Olejniczak, the leader of Poland's main Left-wing party, the SLD, alleged that he first heard it from Jaroslaw Kaczynski, a Right-wing former prime minister and twin brother of the Polish president, Lech Kaczynski.

You know, I thought the next four years were going to be pretty grim, but this offers us all the hope Obama promised..

Now here's something to ponder: How many cannibals does it take to change a lightbulb?

And speaking of cannibals, how about a woman named Spears who's dumber than Britney? And no, she wasn't eaten...

At some risk to my reputation for being alert, aware, and informed, I have to say that I only discovered the TV show, Reno 911, earlier this year, and I wouldn't have found it at all had it not been for Wendy Covey's appearance on Red Eye. She was so subtly hilarious that I had to check out the show in which Greg Gutfeld told us she was one of the cast members.

Being that it was on Comedy Central, I expected to be severely disappointed since this is where great comedians go to die, and every mediocre comedian gets his or her own special, but if you're familiar with Reno 911, you know where this is headed and can stop reading now. This is for people who are not aware that the show may be the funniest thing to ever air on television, and even though it owes its roots to Monty Python, that show was never like this - nonstop laugh-out-loud.

Like Python, every character is unique, dysfunctional, and funny just to look at, but unlike Python, the situations they get into as police officers are actually believable - you know that somewhere, sometime in America, some police man or woman had an encounter exactly like the one you're seeing on screen. Sometimes you pity the unfortunate officer, and other times you pity the perp, but no matter how outrageous or dangerous, you can't stop laughing.

Another thing I like about this show is that it demonstrates there's a huge difference between prejudice and bigotry. The former is about having preconceived ideas about race or ethnicity... or waitresses, many of which are well-founded and necessary to a sense of perspective and safety, but which have little if any impact on a person's actual interactions with a certain group, and which may even add to the richness of an experience. Bigotry, on the other hand, is the active attempt to exclude people and hinder them from attaining their own desired dreams, even if they don't conflict with yours and might even enhance your own opportunities.

The officers of Reno 911 are prejudiced against just about everyone, especially each other, but they still sink or swim together, and they're at their best when they are all going down as a group. Then they start blaming each other as the cause, and when they hit bottom, they pick themselves up as one and continue on. No calamity is too great that they're overly worried about it, and in that we learn a good lesson - to accept where we are and attempt to improve on it.

Then there are the running gags that are close to ingenious. You even see them coming a mile away and they're still funny. Like the perennial argument between two officers in their car which always results in an unplanned and abrupt stop. Another is how the bad guys always manage to sucker an officer into taking up a challenge of the nature that "If you didn't have that badge and that gun, I'd beat your head in."

And of course, the law, apparently any law, doesn't apply to these cops themselves, though I don't believe they've killed anyone yet, at least on purpose. "Lieutenant Dangle" did, however, shoot one officer in the head while demonstrating firearms safety or some such thing.

My favorite cast member is Jonesy, but like everything else with this show, I'd hate to be forced to choose one of them. Trudy is flat-out nuts, and Lieutenant Dangle was a guy I'd seen once but didn't realize it until I looked at his credits. He played the dealer when Friends went to Vegas and Joey thought they had identical hands. You'd never know from that limited exposure that Thomas Lennon was a comic genius. He very much reminds me of Peter Sellers in the Pink Panther movies.

Most shocking to me is how the cast gives new meaning to the term "uninhibited." I often can't believe they do the things they do. My wife says, "They're just acting." Well, I'm not talking about the characters, I don't think I could do some of the things you see them do even as an actor. But I'm glad they can do them because while they may sometimes approach the limits of decency and vulgarity, they never cross the line in my opinion.

Since I discovered Reno, I can't get enough, so it's lucky that it's on a number of times a day on different channels. The one caveat: it can be gross and shocking in its content, so no children should be viewing, even if one of the funniest scenes I recall is that of a young black kid giving his description of a woman to the above mentioned Wendy who plays Clementine, a former waitress/dancer turned cop.

And the funniest episode? Though they are all so good it's hard to choose, I think it's the one in which Islam is involved as the main storyline. You won't believe they were able to get it on the air, and then you realize how much you'd have missed if they hadn't - which they no doubt wouldn't have if the show had aired on the Fox Network instead of Comedy Central, as they had originally hoped it would.

So if you're like me and you weren't aware of Reno 911, you've got to check it out - now! Or as the officers might say, "Look at my partner and listen to me." And if you are turned off by the first episode you see, watch another. You'll soon find yourself laughing at things you could never have imagined you'd find funny.

One citizen-reviewer said Reno 911 has the highest "re-watchability quotient" of any show ever, and while it's still early for me, I'm sure not gonna disagree.

While watching a movie called Bachelor Flat starring Terry Thomas and Tuesday Weld, I was struck by how beautiful she was. There was a scene on the beach with her, dressed very appropriately, in a long blue dress in which I found her jaw-dropping dazzling, and in the next scene, she was at home wearing a top and jean shorts, and... well... WOW!.

Oh, and she also had on white high heels.

Me: Holy cow, I didn't realize she was that beautiful! I can't believe she wasn't a bigger star?

Wife: It's luck, she didn't get the parts.

Me: She's got the parts...

Wife:

Me: And she does what all beautiful girls did then - she wears heels around the house.

Wife: Just like Mrs. Beaver...

With the failure of the bailout and the stock market tanking, wondering what tomorrow will be like prompted me to pull up something I didn't post at the time, but which seems to have taken on new currency, ha-ha.

Remember when that idiotic black guy in Texas took offense at another council member characterizing some expense as a "black hole?" Would he have preferred "African-American hole?" So I got to thinking about the implications. What if we did that in our everyday vocabulary? What might that look like? Here are a few examples... they might take some getting used to, but I believe they make perfect sense...

African-American beans?

African-American eyed peas?

African-Americanbeard the Pirate?

African-American licorice?

African-American shoe polish?

African-American Forest cake?

African-Americanberry jelly?

African-Americantop?

African-American Plague?

African-American tie and tails?

Hand me the African-American Magic Marker.

I African-Americaned out for a moment?

People in mourning wear African-American?

The African-American Sea?

It used to be yellow, I dyed it African-American.

Lewis African-American?

The African-American wire is the hot one!?!

I paid off my credit cards, and I'm finally in the African-American?

Now c'mon, let's all sing along...

"Pack up all my care and woe, here I go, singing low, bye-bye African-Americanbird..."

"I see a red door and I want to paint it African-American..."

"African-American is African-American... I want my baby back..."

I welcome your input here. If it spares a single person from being offended, I think it's worth altering our entire vocabulary...

I came upon back to back stories just now that really lightened my mood, so I thought it appropriate to share them. The first one shows that Iran has a sense of humor, and coincidentally, I discovered the story moments after my local talk show host was musing about staging a "wet burka contest." Now this:

"VIENNA, Austria - Iran is threatening to sue countries that it says have damaged its reputation"

Is it just me or does the mere fact that Iran might even be considering such a thing lead you to imagine what the scene in court might look like?

Judge: I'll hear the plaintiff's opening statement

Lawyer for Iran: Your honor, we are suing Israel for damaging our reputation by issuing false and malicious statements regarding our stated intent to wipe it off the map, but were asking for a summary judgment because Iranian officials will not appearing. No disrespect intended, it's just that no self-respecting Iranian would appear in any venue, official or casual, that would allow Israelis in at the same time.

The second story I found to be equally delightful:

WELLINGTON (AFP) - The president of the low-lying Pacific atoll nation of Kiribati said Thursday his country may already be doomed because of climate change. President Anote Tong said communities had already been resettled and crops destroyed by seawater in some parts of the country, made up of 33 coral atolls straddling the equator.

"I am not a scientist but what I know is that things are happening we did not experience in the past," Tong said. "We may be beyond redemption, we may be at the point of no return where the emissions in the atmosphere will carry on to contribute to climate change to produce a sea-level change that in time our small low-lying islands will be submerged. Villages that have been there over the decades, maybe a century, and now they have to be relocated. Where they have been living over the past few decades is no longer there."

Under the worst-case scenario, Kiribati would be submerged by the end of this century (Clear the country, DIVE, DIVE!) and its people would have to be resettled in other countries, he said.

First of all, it may be a sign of trouble when air pollution particles are bigger in mass than your country. Second, this seems like a "tree falls in the forest" moment - I mean if a country disappears that no one knew existed in the first place, and its citizens end up in, say, America, will they be legally able to use a hyphen in describing themselves for minority grant purposes like Atlantis-Americans do?

Which reminds me of that old joke - what do you call someone from Kiribati...? Lucky!? <rimshot>

No? OK, how about this one:

The New Zealand navy's practice evacuation was aborted when radar revealed that the supposed GPS location for Kiribati was actually a blue whale.

Now this "57 States moment" from Paul Greenberg:

Barack Obama chose St. Paul, Minn., to stage his victory or at least near-victory rally Tuesday night. It was a good way to stick a thumb in John McCain's eye, since the Republicans have chosen to hold their national convention at the same arena.

Yet he overlooked the historical connotations of that site. Beautiful downtown St. Paul is where Walter Mondale delivered his concession speech after one of the most lopsided defeats in the history of American presidential elections — Ronald Reagan's 49-state sweep in 1984.

I've come to the conclusion that I have nothing left to say about anything. Don't get me wrong, I've got plenty to say, but it seems pointless since the answer to everything - Cox whores, gay marriage advocates, liberals, slightly less conservatives, Democrats who aren't liberals, animals (and I say this as a long-time vegetarian), hip-hop "artists," a mess-o-Muslims, and my neighbor, Mike (but not necessarily in that order, although reverse order might be OK)... the answer to all of it is one simple four-letter word: Kill.

OK, I admit it's slightly more complicated than that because, for example, I'd like to see Bob Melvin die slowly and in the most horrible manner possible.

And Ive come to realize that there aren't nearly enough like-minded people to do what's needed, so I'm pretty much done. It'll be gardening and Court TV for me until it's all finally over.

Boy, I can sure see why the Prime Murderer sent that flood back when even if I can't excuse him because his frustration was due to his own incompetence - while my frustration is due to his incompetence as well, but at least I understand how he could get so fed up that he just finally decided to hose everything down.

Although that's another thing I hold against him because I have neither the authority nor the power to do the same.

As you get older, you realize that it doesn't matter whether or not Heaven exists because if you're at all rational, no matter how great the surroundings up there, you'll spend eternity trying to get even with God for what he put you and yours through to get there.

I mean, say you're God. Are you gonna create this majestic place but before you allow your pets to enjoy it, you put them on some scrap heap and subject them to untold misery while you throw a tantrum every so often for good measure? And then you only reward those who come through it all with smiles on their faces and songs in their hearts?

In fact, if that flood and other Bible stories are true, it seems to me that those people who do get through this mess in good humor are far better than the God who created them. And I hasten to add because you probably haven't noticed, I'm not one of them.

But as Hitchins points out, God created my type too.

And speaking of the Big Guy, big, tough Kathy Griffin has a beef with Big Guy Jr. which, if nothing else, proves Kath ain't no atheist.

If you don't know her, Griffin is what some people consider to be a comedian, and she just won an Emmy for some show she did. The problem is that she showed up to accept the award gunnin' for Christ. And I must say, I completely understand her to that point.

Griffin said that many people thank Jesus for his role in their winning stuff but that in her case, Christ had nothing to do with it. Then she did what I do privately a hundred times a day - she said, "Suck it, Jesus."

All right, I admit it, I've never said that. In truth, I've never even thought to say that - it's far too tame.

Anyway, later Griffin said she hoped she offended somebody.

Interesting if unenlightened. Talk about transference, she's angry that Jesus gets too much credit, but she can't get back at him, so she wants to offend people who, having experienced similar good fortune, might be more humble and thankful.

The real problem is that it's a big "if" that she offended anyone very much since Christ aficionados are rather used to this sort of thing from idiots like her.

But Cowardly Kathy could certainly have accomplished her purpose with ease if she'd simply substituted Mohammed for Jesus in her imperative.

And had she done so, lot's of people would be following her a lot more closely from then on, if you get my drift. So in a profession where timing is everything, Kath missed a golden opportunity. And she calls herself a comedian?

Well, all this has gotten far too ugly (yet at the same time, not ugly enough to suit me) for my first farewell note, so in closing, I'd like to say that if you haven't seen it, check out Burn Notice on USA Network tonight at 10pm Eastern and Pacific. The production values are great, the stories well-developed, and Gabrielle Anwar is at least one thing God has done right. So such so that I'd love to try my hand at doing her too.

Which reminds me, Happy Ramadong, everybody!

If you're a man, "I love you" are magic words that may get you a return sentiment from that special woman, or a little love-making, and even possibly a wife, but it won't get you what all men really want - a four month vacation and twenty million dollars.

To get that, you have to say something even more magical... like "nappy-headed hos."

Why it seems like only yesterday that those words brought a charge that the utterer was racist and sexist... because it was only yesterday.

But today, a rested and richer Don Imus is ready to return to the air, and rumor has it that he may already have a deal with ABC - the Disney-owned, Family Channel guys.

Is this a great country or what? It is at least if you're an I-man dealing with the eye network.

Michael Richards, eat your heart out.

And the nappy-headed hos? They got slightly less - an apology and a three month vacation, and they'll be back doing what they do, it appears, about the same time Imus returns.

Coincidentally, both activities involve dribbling by the respective parties...

Some people will be relieved to hear that next year, we are cutting the number of National Guardsmen on the border by 50%.

Other people will surely be relieved to know that a new Pew Poll shows a big drop in Muslim approval of suicide bombings. As it stands now, only about a third of Muslims, on average, favor the tactic.

Still others will be greatly relieved that John Kyl plans to introduce a scaled down immigration bill before August 4th. He claims that he has learned from his mistakes with the recent failed bill and will make sure that people fully understand what's in  the new bill.

Many people will probably be relieved by new research which shows that if you're fat, chances are your friends will be too.

Most of us will be relieved by Elizabeth Edwards' announcement that she is giving up tangerines in order to combat global warming.

And finally, every last one of us is relieved that the Vox service disruption did not cause a single reported personal disruption..

The scene: A movie starts with some animal rights wackos freeing infected chimps from a research lab despite the desperate pleadings of a worker that they know not what they do...

Me: "Now we have a bunch of free monkeys," said just as a caption appears on the screen which is also the film's title: "28 days later."

Me: "And that's the title of the movie."

Wife: "Monkeys?"

I'm talking about the terrorist organization, not your gentle-as-a-lamb nextdoor neighbor. Would you apologize to the enemy? Because maybe that's all it takes? We spent all this money and lost all these lives, and if Dox is right, all we have to do is tell them how we're terribly sorry we are for whatever it is we've done and promise that it won't happen again...

Oh yeah, and delete all our offending comments about them.

I have no idea what Dox said to or about this Paxton guy, but I'm perfectly willing to go out on a limb and say that his initial gut instincts were probably right. But even if they weren't, based on what I can gather, Paxie's a liberal, and that means, not only is there no need to apologize, doing so only empowers them and diminishes you.

And if that doesn't sway you, did you ever see Love Story?

This is a war. Liberals are the enemy. I'm sure we said a lot of bad and inaccurate things about Hitler, but we didn't stop to clarify, apologize for mistakes, and try to make things right. You don't so anything that might give the enemy an advantage, and that's even before you consider that Hitter was far less significant as an enemy than liberals are.

Hitler was never in a position to bring down America. Neither are Muslim terrorists.

But liberals are another story. I'm sure most would tell you that's not their intention, but we don't let people who are brain damaged and insane make their own decisions, much less make them for all of society. Yet we've done too much of that already when it comes to liberals.

Liberals don't understand "no" and "you're wrong," and there's no reasoning with them. In fact, in case you haven't noticed, Dox, all they do in level charges and state "facts," the quotes being necessary because they are nothing of the sort. And if you challenge them to argue a specific point, they back off a la Baby Snowy* when I challenged her here.

Did you ask then why she wouldn't jump at the chance to take me down, since she was so cock-sure of herself? She should have been able to make quick work of me and write about it ad infinitum on her blog as an example of how conservatives can't back up their positions.

Instead, she made a flimsy excuse and fled.

Now if you were to call my wife right now and ask her, "What's the Number 1 Rule," she'd respond without hesitation, "Never marry and Arab" (the Muslim part is understood). Now I think it's necessary for a Number 2 Rule:

Never apologize to liberals (the vanquishing part is understood).

Yes, I know we apologize to our dogs, but dogs are capable of understanding far more than liberals can... 

* I'm aware that Snoseph claims to be male, but I've seen no evidence of that.